Editorial: Are they lesbianing together? Or Identifying a gay woman in five easy steps or An Idiot’s Guide to Recognizing Lesbians or Gender Expression or As you Like it!

Editorial: Are they lesbianing together? Or Identifying a gay woman in five easy steps or An Idiot’s Guide to Recognizing Lesbians or Gender Expression or As you Like it!

Sorry about the several titles of this piece, it was done this way because we understand Nigerians aversion to sarcasm, some people claim Nigerians do not understand sarcasm, but we beg to differ, we believe that Nigerians do understand sarcasm, they just prefer things to be explained PROPERLY to them. And that’s exactly what we have done with the titles EXPLAINED everything so you can be in no doubt of what this article is about.

Before we go totally off point, we wish to redirect you to the title, why would you be wasting your precious time here if not for the fact that you saw the word lesbian in the headline and you’ve always wondered what they do, who are these women? Are there women who actually prefer sleeping with other women when preeks abound? Or is lesbianism a myth, like … like dragons andexpression unicorns, and Kashamu and Mama P and Abacha and fuel scarcity … going off point again, sorry … we wish to reassure you that you should search no further, we shall address all your concerns and answer all your questions, and… deliver you from the spirit of ‘gbeborun’ aka minding other people’s business.

Internet Lesbians: WE ALL KNOW THESE WOMEN! They are all over the internet, Nigerian women o! Not oyinbo women! They are always talking about their love for other women! On twitter they are called Nigerian Association of Twitter Lesbians. We all know that these women are only pretending, because the only reason a person will claim to be a lesbian is so that they can attract attention, yes and the only people whose attentions are worth attracting … men! Don’t you see the sense in that? A woman would claim to love other women so she can get men’s attention … okay maybe it doesn’t make sense but hey we are Nigerians and we don’t need to think about things, we just KNOW these things. Just as we know that all of them are going to hell! Yes! Just go and check Leviticus, you will see there what the bible and Paul and a lot of other people say about lesbians! Have we been to hell before? No, but Jesus, okay not Jesus, our pastor told us that it is written in the bible that all the lesbians shall go to hell. The bible approves of slavery too and said we should not wear certain clothes and said a lot of things, but we sha know that they will all go to hell.

Feminists: Now we all know that Feminists are generally ugly women who cannot get men, even the fine ones amongst them can never find husband because their mouth is too sharp, always putting their mouth in things that don’t concine them so that they can ‘look’ intelligent, I wonder who they are trying to impress sef! Always screaming about the partriarchy, and glass ceilings, and violence against women and how the system has been set up to put women at a disadvantage, and education and equal rights and justice! Seriously, these women need to get preeks. Their problem is that because no man in his right mind would want to talk to, talk less of sleep with a woman who calls herself a feminist, what else can they do but help themselves? They all pretend to be lesbians because it is not good for feminists to like men. Feminists hate men. How do we know they are lesbians and they hate men? Because that’s what feminism means – women who hate men! What about men who claim to be feminists are they lesbians too? Yes! No! Emm … brb with the answer… we know the answer because we KNOW ALL THINGS THROUGH JESUS CHRIST THAT … emm, wait we’ll get back to you after asking our pastor.

Sluts aka Ashawo: Those ones, everybody knows that they are harlots (that word is in the bible and the Quran too), they will sleep with anything in trousers, even women who are wearing trousers. Their problem is that they are something called nymphomaniacs and those ones like sex too much. Nobody needs to tell you about sluts, you can see it, they are the kind of women who go around wearing clothes that reveal their breasts and yansh. They will be walking up and down the road, looking one kind at all the men, calling them with ‘come and do’ eyes. So anytime there is no man on the road, they kuku go for women, they will sleep with anything and anybody. What about men who sleep around? It is the natural order of things, men are creatures of nature, and nature says that a man has to sleep around, they just can’t help it. Men are different from women, so women should not be going around claiming rights and saying things like what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Those ones will now not find husband and then they will be going up and down different churches, going for deliverance. But are they really lesbians? No, they are just … umm … sluts, there are no real lesbians, just unicorns, and dragons, and Ojuju Calabar and witches in the village and Obasanjo and Goodluck!

Women who go to joints – let’s just be clear about one thing, it’s not that all women who go to drinking joints or like watching football are lesbians, it’s those ones that go without the sanity inspiring, big muscled, strong and intelligent men. You will always find them in bars, about three or four or more girls, seated at a table, drinking beer! The worst thing is that even if a man offers to buy them a drink they will turn it down and if any man wants to join them at a table, they will say no! It is a terrible thing these girls do all the time… what about men who go out in groups and drink at joints without female company, are they gay too? We don’t know o! But women who go out in groups must be lesbians, or feminists and as we all know ALL FEMINISTS ARE LESBIANS including men who are feminists … wait, that doesn’t even make any sense, but we’ve said it, because …we are Nigerians, so there!

Footballers: We are not talking about professional footballers here, we are talking about girls that look like boys, you know those girls we bully on the road by stopping them and asking if they are boys or girls … they sag their jeans, walk like men, wear baggy t-shirts, face-caps and all… they must be lesbians! And because we know that a REAL man will never want to date someone that looks like him, they will have no toasters, and then they will have no choice but to call themselves lesbians! There is something called testosterone that is found to varying degrees in both men and women, just like there is something called estrogen found to varying degrees in both male and female, these hormones determine, to a large extent, how we express ourselves as human and sexual beings, but don’t worry your head about big-big grammar, I mean what’s so important about all those things? What matters the most is that men are men, women are women and we have the right to determine who is male or female … by the way they are dressed, like the bible says, by their dressing you shall know them … we are not so sure the bible said that o, but then we have heard it said before or why else would we go about judging people because of the way they are dressed, like a pastor once said, the way you dress is the way you’ll be addressed! So if you dress like a boy, you will be addressed like a boy or something of that nature sha!

With the above we hope we’ve been able to satisfy your curiousity and put all your questions to rest, you can now go around judging and labeling people even better than you used to do before, because everything you read on the internet is true and what other people do in their bedrooms is very important to you, maybe this knowledge will even help you to get the miracle you’ve been seeking all these years! Especially the miracle of money dropping on your head, the miracle of the kind of money you didn’t work for. And then you will go to heaven … didn’t Jesus say something like ‘thou shalt not judge so that thou shalt not be judged’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself’? We can’t say for sure because our pastor does not read that part of the bible often, but we will go and ask him.

The Major Massacre: Fadhilat Yejide Bhadmus’s story of domestic violence

The Major Massacre: Fadhilat Yejide Bhadmus’s story of domestic violence

From the Editor’s Desk: I came across Fadhilat’s story on the Facebook page of Naija Story. What drew me in were the pictures, the pictures of a woman who had been brutally beaten.

She had written her story, two years after the fact.

I immediately sent her a message asking if she won’t mind sharing her story on 9jafeminista and to my delight, she agreed. I was delighted not because she went through what she did, but because she was brave enough to share her story with so many women out there, going through the same physical and mental torture she had suffered.

A lot of times when people talk about domestic violence and women who are victims, the picture we get in our mind is usually that of a poverty stricken woman, dependent on a man for her livelihood, but as we’ve learnt over and again, abuse knows no class or education.

The men who abuse women have one thing in common, to show how powerful they are, to make the women less – less beautiful, less independent, less …

This story is particularly important because the Violence Against Persons bill, which has been languishing in the Lower and Upper houses has finally been passed by the House of Assembly. This is victory for feminists who have toiled long and hard, away from the glare of the media (both traditional and non-traditional) to grab this victory.

One final step towards achieving total victory is when the President of Nigeria, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan signs this bill into law.

Below is the story of a single parent, who decided to marry an older man because they are supposedly kind and gentle due to their experience but found out she was married to a monster.

We hope that one day soon, there will be justice for Fadhilat Yetunde Bhadmus.

The first abuse occurred shortly after our trip from the holy land, Mecca, which happened to be a week to his 65th birthday, the 8th of Dec 2012.

He came to my apartment from Eko Club in Surulere, around 11.30 – 12.00 pm unannounced, demanding for food while I was already sleeping. He woke me up and started shouting at me, asking me why I would be sleeping while he was not home. I asked him why won’t I sleep? Besides I wasn’t expecting him in my apartment that night. He asked me if he needed an invitation before coming to my place and I said no. I asked him what he wanted to eat and he said I shouldn’t ask him silly questions that I should either give him food or he should go elsewhere.aftertheviolence

I went into the kitchen and made him some rice and defrosted his frozen soup (he only eats fish and I usually made it in packs so I won’t be caught unawares whenever he makes his unannounced visits) served it and called him to come and eat. On getting up from where he was seated with a bottle of stout (which he brought with him from wherever he came from) and smoking his Consulate cigarette he went straight to the dining lifting my dishes up in the air and breaking them into pieces one after the other, telling me that I lack home training, was that how to serve him? Did he tell me he was hungry? And even if he was, did I ask him what he actually wanted to eat?

I stood there speechless for a few seconds before I could finish asking him why on earth he broke the valuable dishes I had acquired long before I met him, considering that I woke up to make him something to eat, the next thing that greeted my questions were rains of hard slaps on the left side of my face which continued for a while.

While trying to escape the beatings he ran after me into my bedroom to continue the assault, in spite of the fact that my girlfriend, who came from UK during that period was staying in my apartment. He left for his house that night leaving me with blood clotted, half-face. It was my girlfriend and kid sister that helped with packing cold E45 on the blood clotted face.

beforetheviolence

I was in indoors for a week plus because I couldn’t go out with the bruises. During his birthday party, I had to cover up with loads of makeup and concealer to hide traces of the abuse.

He neither apologized nor showed any sign of remorse.

The second one occurred a month after the first,in the same sequence the first.

He arrived at my apartment, that late too, while I was on the phone with my friend. He slapped the phone into my face, asking me who the hell I was talking to. Why didn’t I drop the call immediately he entered the room. That I lacked manners and respect, he left me with bruises and on my face and neck and left (each time he abuses me and leaves, he comes back very early in the morning still his arrogant self and not apologetic).

The major abuse occurred two months after this particular one, which happened some few days to my 37th birthday (5th of April was my day) and this occurred on the 21st of March 2013, I call it The Major Massacre because it went on for hours, from 12 midnight to 5 am the next morning.

There had been arguments over the issue of my not wanting to conceive for him, that I only wanted to use him and dump him. I told him it wasn’t like that, that God’ s time is the best, but when the problem persisted I told him to let us go and see an obstetrician to know if I have any problems, which we did and was asked to do several tests which I carried out and was told nothing was wrong with me. When he was asked to do the same tests he refused.

One particular day I was asked to do womb scanning, I was asked to come early without eating anything. I went to the laboratory with him, sat there for hours, waiting for the doctor to arrive, unfortunately he had to leave because he needed to go somewhere important, (according to him), which was okay by me. The doctor arrived later and carried out the test, meanwhile before he left, we planned to meet at Surulere because we had a birthday party to attend on the island. I told him I’ll be branching at my tailor’ s place to drop some clothes to be sewn which was okay by him but he insisted that I should call him once I got close to Surulere so that he can leave his house to meet me at Eko club, his club and second home, one of the rules he made was that I was not allowed to go to his home, no matter what happened because of his other wife, so as to give her some respect.

We met at the club and left for the party on the island, this was around 5:30 pm, unfortunately for us when we got there, the party had not started and he had to leave because he said he couldn’t wait and I was very hungry because I had not eaten that whole day. I returned to Surulere and on getting to the club, there was no food available, I had to go to an eatery to get something to eat. I was feeling dizzy already then, I bought the food and returned to the club to eat it.

It was while I was looking for tissue in my handbag that I came across a complimentary card that was given to me by a lady I bought sneakers from for my little girl, I was tearing it up when it occurred to me that I shouldn’t have, because he is an extremely jealous and temperamental man, I put the pieces together and placed it on the table, right in-between us in case any argument ensued.

But I was wrong because he had made up his mind about whose card it was, I knew there was going to be trouble because shortly after I placed the torn pieces of paper between us, he stood up abruptly, went straight to his car and drove off. I had no choice than to follow him in my own car (we went in separate cars) it was while I was in the car that he called my phone and started abusing me and calling me all sorts of names.

He claimed that a man gave me a complimentary card and that I had the gut to bring it to where he was and tore it in his presence. That I ridiculed him and I’ve been messing him up and down, he did not even give me the chance to explain whose card it was before he ended the call.

He got to my apartment before I did, so I went upstairs to meet him and tried to explain how the card came about but wouldn’t listen. He left the room suddenly and thinking that he had left for his house I started undressing, not knowing that he did not leave, but went and locked all the doors to the apartment and threw away the keys. He came back into the room and that was how the beatings started, I could not (or rather did not) want to come out of my bedroom when the assault started because of my little girl, I didn’t want her witnessing the battering. I eventually ran out of the room when I realized I was approaching either heaven or hell’s gate

My Celibacy: My Choice – Enajite Efemuaye

My Celibacy: My Choice – Enajite Efemuaye

For an independent, single lady in my late twenties, there seems to be a acceptance that I have a license to have sex at will and if I’m not having sex it’s because some man hurt me and I was paying back all of ‘man’ kind. I remember being in school and someone told me, “it’s because you’re staying with your brother. As soon as he graduates, you will cut chain.”

It made me wonder where this idea that a single woman who is not married, and is living by herself is promiscuous, more so when she professes an acceptance and understanding of her sexuality.

So, I’ve been made to understand that when a female child is born, it is the duty of her parents to shield and protect her until it is time to hand her over to her husband who will continue to shield and protect her until she dies; or if he dies first, her children take over the duty. Summary, a woman cannot take care of herself, if she is left alone she will start doing bad bad things, like have sex up and down. Yes, people still think like that in 2015.

“Haba, but you help yourself, right?”

“What do you mean by helping myself?”

“You know na. You’re a big girl na. You know what I’m talking about.”

*blank stare*

Just for the record, I had no idea what he was talking about.

I took a decision not to have sex until marriage when I was barely a teen and didn’t understand how difficult it would get. And boy did it get hard. The pressure is intense not just from without, but from within, especially when you’re with someone you really like and who know all the right mental buttons to press. But, I digress. This is about people’s reactions when you tell them you’re celibate.

“Your thing will tighten so much that when you decide to do, it will be very painful.’

(A lot of people seem to think being celibate means I cannot bear to hear the words vagina, penis, sex and orgasm). I’m nice, so I take my time with the help of images from google to explain why this is false.

“It is because you have not met the right man yet. If you let me, I’ll take you to heaven and back. I’ll show you so much pleasure you’ll . . .  yada, yada, yada.”

This one is particularly funny, because guys like this most times have no idea what to do with a woman. They follow the FORMULA: lips, breast, vagina, pound. Women that own these men, please stop deceiving them. Thank you.

“Really? Are you sure? Wow. Keep it up, sister.” Yep. Even from the brethren. While they’re not trying to get into your pants, there’s still this slight disbelief because it seems prayers is no barrier against konji.

“Babe! Men will value you, ehn! As you’re not giving it to them they’ll be showering you with gifts just because they want it.” Can someone please point me in the direction of these men because I haven’t met any?

I don’t go around telling people I’m celibate, but we’re so obsessed with sex in this generation that the topic almost always comes up.

There’s an almost proprietory air around most people when they are discussing other people’s sexual lives, who is sleeping with who, why, how? It is sickening and highly disturbing.

When I say my body is mine and I have a right to do with it as I please, this also includes not doing. I don’t believe sex is empowering or diminishing. I’m not a better person because I’m having or not having sex. I’m not less of a woman because I don’t use my being single and independent to ‘catch fun.’

I am just me.