My Celibacy: My Choice – Enajite Efemuaye

For an independent, single lady in my late twenties, there seems to be a acceptance that I have a license to have sex at will and if I’m not having sex it’s because some man hurt me and I was paying back all of ‘man’ kind. I remember being in school and someone told me, “it’s because you’re staying with your brother. As soon as he graduates, you will cut chain.”

It made me wonder where this idea that a single woman who is not married, and is living by herself is promiscuous, more so when she professes an acceptance and understanding of her sexuality.

So, I’ve been made to understand that when a female child is born, it is the duty of her parents to shield and protect her until it is time to hand her over to her husband who will continue to shield and protect her until she dies; or if he dies first, her children take over the duty. Summary, a woman cannot take care of herself, if she is left alone she will start doing bad bad things, like have sex up and down. Yes, people still think like that in 2015.

“Haba, but you help yourself, right?”

“What do you mean by helping myself?”

“You know na. You’re a big girl na. You know what I’m talking about.”

*blank stare*

Just for the record, I had no idea what he was talking about.

I took a decision not to have sex until marriage when I was barely a teen and didn’t understand how difficult it would get. And boy did it get hard. The pressure is intense not just from without, but from within, especially when you’re with someone you really like and who know all the right mental buttons to press. But, I digress. This is about people’s reactions when you tell them you’re celibate.

“Your thing will tighten so much that when you decide to do, it will be very painful.’

(A lot of people seem to think being celibate means I cannot bear to hear the words vagina, penis, sex and orgasm). I’m nice, so I take my time with the help of images from google to explain why this is false.

“It is because you have not met the right man yet. If you let me, I’ll take you to heaven and back. I’ll show you so much pleasure you’ll . . .  yada, yada, yada.”

This one is particularly funny, because guys like this most times have no idea what to do with a woman. They follow the FORMULA: lips, breast, vagina, pound. Women that own these men, please stop deceiving them. Thank you.

“Really? Are you sure? Wow. Keep it up, sister.” Yep. Even from the brethren. While they’re not trying to get into your pants, there’s still this slight disbelief because it seems prayers is no barrier against konji.

“Babe! Men will value you, ehn! As you’re not giving it to them they’ll be showering you with gifts just because they want it.” Can someone please point me in the direction of these men because I haven’t met any?

I don’t go around telling people I’m celibate, but we’re so obsessed with sex in this generation that the topic almost always comes up.

There’s an almost proprietory air around most people when they are discussing other people’s sexual lives, who is sleeping with who, why, how? It is sickening and highly disturbing.

When I say my body is mine and I have a right to do with it as I please, this also includes not doing. I don’t believe sex is empowering or diminishing. I’m not a better person because I’m having or not having sex. I’m not less of a woman because I don’t use my being single and independent to ‘catch fun.’

I am just me.

24 Comments

  1. arinola91 says:

    Great article. I think with women, we’re dammed if we do and damned if we don’t. Women with voracious sexual appetites are sluts. Women who wish to hold off for whatever reason are frigid. Or haven’t met the right guy. Or are suffering from heartbreak. Etc. Etc.

    Our attitudes to sex remind me of that kids story about the emperor’s new clothes, where everyone was forming that the guy had on this expensive invisible robe when he was actually naked. Many of us in this generation are partaking in a collective lie which denies how often sex can be grossly overrated. The thing is really not oxygen and those not having it won’t suffocate and die. Live and let live.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. enajyte says:

      “Many of us in this generation are partaking in a collective lie which denies how often sex can be grossly overrated. The thing is really not oxygen and those not having it won’t suffocate and die. Live and let live.” Thank you. Thank you.

      Like

  2. Tochi Eze says:

    Great piece Jite. “When I say my body is mine and I have a right to do with it as I please, this also includes not doing.”. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Ojeks Ekpen says:

    If you aren’t writing books, you are wasting talent. Keep it up!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. enajyte says:

      The books will come. Thanks for the encouragement.

      Like

  4. irinajo says:

    Really nice Jite. Yes, being Celibate is a personal decision like giving your life to Christ yada, yada, yada. . . I digress. Lovely piece.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. ogo says:

    I love this..you missed a point tho..no one asked you if u are gay? Cos after “but you help urself” question comes are u into women? Or u fond urself actually defending urself that u r a celibate and have actually been in a relationship. God right up…I think these set of women are the ones no one fight for, there is no ngo or any sort of organisation fighting for them, cos the battle out there is real. Tell you the world’s take on sex and women.
    Good job jite.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 9jafeminista says:

      Which women are you referring to Ogo? Sexual Minority women or celibate women? 🙂

      Like

    2. enajyte says:

      loool. Funny enough I have never been asked that.

      Like

  6. Iniwrites says:

    Jite! How can you tell the public that you are celibate? Are you not scared of being called old-fashioned or unfit for marriage?
    This is a really good post. And yes, a woman’s body is solely hers to do with as she pleases. At least, you’ve not been told that no man will marry you for choosing celibacy. When you see the ones who will shower gifts on you for an unbroken hymen, please alert a sister. I am interested.
    I admire the courage with which you penned and published these words. Many teen girls need to hear, scratch that, read this.
    Great work, Jite!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. enajyte says:

      Old-fashioned? Unfit for marriage? Music to my ears. I look within and above for validation. Thanks for reading Ini.

      Like

  7. Good Jite, Keep it up.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. GT says:

    Just like Iniwrites, I admird the courage with which you penned that. Some of us have yet to find the courage to openly declare our celibacy status for fear of the “unknown”. Lolz. But I digress …. yada, yada, yadaaa.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. enajyte says:

      What have I started with the yadas? Hehehe. Thanks for reading

      Like

  9. Tope says:

    Well written Jite.

    And I love this part : This one is particularly funny, because guys like this most times have no idea what to do with a woman. They follow the FORMULA: lips, breast, vagina, pound. Women that own these men, please stop deceiving them. Thank you

    I can’t but agree with you further, this is a sex-obsessed generation really. Sex is everywhere, easy to bargain for.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. enajyte says:

      It’s my best part too. Still cracks me up.

      Like

  10. AlluringEby says:

    I wish I were as strong as you are sister. Besides, it is harder and more complicated to be sexually active than to be celibate, so you are better off where you are. sex is over rated.
    Bravo!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Great article. Continue to be yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Leonard Egharevba says:

    Great article, Well it is good and profitable to be sexually discipline. I do greatly adore singles who have their pillars closed together despite the decadence in this modern age.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 9jafeminista says:

      I doubt that the young lady is doing it for your adoration or approval sir

      Like

      1. Thank you for the Wonderful piece,Thanks for being yourself and being outstanding,The world are looking for people like you to celebrate,Now that Sex is highly commercialized,the biggest bidder takes it all.Continue to maintain the status quo until Mr.Right comes.Heaven will celebrate you for being a faithful and worthy child

        Liked by 1 person

    2. enajyte says:

      Thanks for reading Leornard. I appreciate the kind words.

      Like

  13. Dee. says:

    “I’m not a better woman because i’m having or not having sex…i’m not less of a woman because I don’t use my single independent being to catch fun”
    InsightFULL.

    Like

  14. Nomzi Kumalo says:

    Pleased to meet you. You are most welcome to visit my blog when you get the chance. 🙂

    Like

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