Sorry about the several titles of this piece, it was done this way because we understand Nigerians aversion to sarcasm, some people claim Nigerians do not understand sarcasm, but we beg to differ, we believe that Nigerians do understand sarcasm, they just prefer things to be explained PROPERLY to them. And that’s exactly what we have done with the titles EXPLAINED everything so you can be in no doubt of what this article is about.
Before we go totally off point, we wish to redirect you to the title, why would you be wasting your precious time here if not for the fact that you saw the word lesbian in the headline and you’ve always wondered what they do, who are these women? Are there women who actually prefer sleeping with other women when preeks abound? Or is lesbianism a myth, like … like dragons and unicorns, and Kashamu and Mama P and Abacha and fuel scarcity … going off point again, sorry … we wish to reassure you that you should search no further, we shall address all your concerns and answer all your questions, and… deliver you from the spirit of ‘gbeborun’ aka minding other people’s business.
Internet Lesbians: WE ALL KNOW THESE WOMEN! They are all over the internet, Nigerian women o! Not oyinbo women! They are always talking about their love for other women! On twitter they are called Nigerian Association of Twitter Lesbians. We all know that these women are only pretending, because the only reason a person will claim to be a lesbian is so that they can attract attention, yes and the only people whose attentions are worth attracting … men! Don’t you see the sense in that? A woman would claim to love other women so she can get men’s attention … okay maybe it doesn’t make sense but hey we are Nigerians and we don’t need to think about things, we just KNOW these things. Just as we know that all of them are going to hell! Yes! Just go and check Leviticus, you will see there what the bible and Paul and a lot of other people say about lesbians! Have we been to hell before? No, but Jesus, okay not Jesus, our pastor told us that it is written in the bible that all the lesbians shall go to hell. The bible approves of slavery too and said we should not wear certain clothes and said a lot of things, but we sha know that they will all go to hell.
Feminists: Now we all know that Feminists are generally ugly women who cannot get men, even the fine ones amongst them can never find husband because their mouth is too sharp, always putting their mouth in things that don’t concine them so that they can ‘look’ intelligent, I wonder who they are trying to impress sef! Always screaming about the partriarchy, and glass ceilings, and violence against women and how the system has been set up to put women at a disadvantage, and education and equal rights and justice! Seriously, these women need to get preeks. Their problem is that because no man in his right mind would want to talk to, talk less of sleep with a woman who calls herself a feminist, what else can they do but help themselves? They all pretend to be lesbians because it is not good for feminists to like men. Feminists hate men. How do we know they are lesbians and they hate men? Because that’s what feminism means – women who hate men! What about men who claim to be feminists are they lesbians too? Yes! No! Emm … brb with the answer… we know the answer because we KNOW ALL THINGS THROUGH JESUS CHRIST THAT … emm, wait we’ll get back to you after asking our pastor.
Sluts aka Ashawo: Those ones, everybody knows that they are harlots (that word is in the bible and the Quran too), they will sleep with anything in trousers, even women who are wearing trousers. Their problem is that they are something called nymphomaniacs and those ones like sex too much. Nobody needs to tell you about sluts, you can see it, they are the kind of women who go around wearing clothes that reveal their breasts and yansh. They will be walking up and down the road, looking one kind at all the men, calling them with ‘come and do’ eyes. So anytime there is no man on the road, they kuku go for women, they will sleep with anything and anybody. What about men who sleep around? It is the natural order of things, men are creatures of nature, and nature says that a man has to sleep around, they just can’t help it. Men are different from women, so women should not be going around claiming rights and saying things like what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Those ones will now not find husband and then they will be going up and down different churches, going for deliverance. But are they really lesbians? No, they are just … umm … sluts, there are no real lesbians, just unicorns, and dragons, and Ojuju Calabar and witches in the village and Obasanjo and Goodluck!
Women who go to joints – let’s just be clear about one thing, it’s not that all women who go to drinking joints or like watching football are lesbians, it’s those ones that go without the sanity inspiring, big muscled, strong and intelligent men. You will always find them in bars, about three or four or more girls, seated at a table, drinking beer! The worst thing is that even if a man offers to buy them a drink they will turn it down and if any man wants to join them at a table, they will say no! It is a terrible thing these girls do all the time… what about men who go out in groups and drink at joints without female company, are they gay too? We don’t know o! But women who go out in groups must be lesbians, or feminists and as we all know ALL FEMINISTS ARE LESBIANS including men who are feminists … wait, that doesn’t even make any sense, but we’ve said it, because …we are Nigerians, so there!
Footballers: We are not talking about professional footballers here, we are talking about girls that look like boys, you know those girls we bully on the road by stopping them and asking if they are boys or girls … they sag their jeans, walk like men, wear baggy t-shirts, face-caps and all… they must be lesbians! And because we know that a REAL man will never want to date someone that looks like him, they will have no toasters, and then they will have no choice but to call themselves lesbians! There is something called testosterone that is found to varying degrees in both men and women, just like there is something called estrogen found to varying degrees in both male and female, these hormones determine, to a large extent, how we express ourselves as human and sexual beings, but don’t worry your head about big-big grammar, I mean what’s so important about all those things? What matters the most is that men are men, women are women and we have the right to determine who is male or female … by the way they are dressed, like the bible says, by their dressing you shall know them … we are not so sure the bible said that o, but then we have heard it said before or why else would we go about judging people because of the way they are dressed, like a pastor once said, the way you dress is the way you’ll be addressed! So if you dress like a boy, you will be addressed like a boy or something of that nature sha!
With the above we hope we’ve been able to satisfy your curiousity and put all your questions to rest, you can now go around judging and labeling people even better than you used to do before, because everything you read on the internet is true and what other people do in their bedrooms is very important to you, maybe this knowledge will even help you to get the miracle you’ve been seeking all these years! Especially the miracle of money dropping on your head, the miracle of the kind of money you didn’t work for. And then you will go to heaven … didn’t Jesus say something like ‘thou shalt not judge so that thou shalt not be judged’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself’? We can’t say for sure because our pastor does not read that part of the bible often, but we will go and ask him.