Stereotyping Nigerian men: A guide to eating your cake and having it!

Stereotyping Nigerian men: A guide to eating your cake and having it!

There seems to be a growing dilemma in the ranks of our educated multitudes. This question has been discussed intensely on social media for a long, long time and at the end of the day it always ends up in sorrow, tears … tearing of bras and payints. Insults have been hurled, memes trended, hashtags … hashtagged.

We sometimes have had to beg Master Jesus that these ‘interactions’ shouldn’t move beyond the confines of the internet, because it might lead to bloodshed… and we don’t want our nice Loubutins (oh wait we are trying to #buynaija now because exchange rate is high) strike that out, we don’t want our Made in Aba shoes blood-stained.

We know you know what this question of great economic and political significance is (and we are dead serious) but without intending to overstate the obvious (which we’ll now proceed to do) we will ask this question again (no it’s not what would Jesus do?) This deeply meaningful question is … how much should a boyfriend give his girlfriend to buy Brazilian hair monthly?

This oh-so-important question is based on the assumption that this so-called boyfriend has a job, and he earns above 20k per month. We are a little worried because would this question also apply to same-sex or queer couples in Nigeria? (Damn we forgot they are sinners and criminals) – strike the last question out.

Anyway, as your friendly neighbourhood aprokos aka people who don’t mind their darn businesses. We’ve come up with other stereotypes that will further enhance the present state of women in Nigerian society (beneath men, slightly less than human, the neck and not the head).

  1. Men don’t cry: We know this is the easiest and cheapest of all the stereotypes, but since we are in the business of overstating the obvious we thought it would be apt to say this one first. Have you ever seen a man crying before? Better still, have you ever seen your daddy or husband crying before? You have? Sorry to say this but, men do not cry, it is only women who cry. Women are emotional creatures (just like children – see what we did there?) they will be crying upandan, but men DO NOT CRY because they are not human beings, they are zombies, at the least, machines – at the best. They are just like that Robocop guy, shooting people dead, dry eyed, no emotions at all. Men don’t feel. They don’t feel joy or pain. If you stab a man the next thing is sand pouring on your body… stab, stab, stab, = sand, sand, sand. Men don’t cry, men don’t have stomachs, or blood or feelings – men are zombies. What about men who cry? Whaaat? Oh well – maybe you should check for a pulse, and we don’t advice that you stab those ones because they will definitely ooze blood. Men who cry might just be – wait for it – human! Are we saying that men who don’t cry are not human? Do the maths, we’ve said our own!
  2. All men are strong – since everything in our nice, patriarchal society is words and opposites when it comes to gender. Since we KNOW that there are only two genders – male and female – (who’s asking about intersex people? You’d better stopeet!) Anyway back to our point, if all men are strong does this mean all women are weak? Oh yes! It’s only men who have strong genes, yam like calves, arms bulging with muscles, so they’re the only ones that should be given the task of carrying heavy loads (All you know-it-alls should not come here and talk about old women who make their money from carrying loads in the market – tainks). So all men are strong. When a woman is carrying a load, the ‘normal’ thing for any man walking on the streets (it doesn’t matter whether you know this woman or not, or you’re not going in her direction or you don’t have the strength) when you see a woman carrying anything other than her handbag, it’s your duty to rush and quickly collect the load from her and carry it! Isn’t that what you were born to do? To carry load upandan. Women are such weak, pathetic creatures that they can’t carry anything, they are just like babies, they should be pampered… of course, being a superman, kindly reign in your macho-man instincts when you meet with strong women, who do not allow anything to limit them. Women who can handle their own shit, women who do not see themselves as babies are dangerous indeed. These are women who work on keeping fit, they jog, they play sports, they enjoy lifting things because it strengthens them most importantly they like being treated with respect and not like a baby.
  3. Men are providers – this point is actually answering our above question. How much should a man pay his girlfriend per month? Seriously how much? Since this is a transactional relationship. How did transaction enter into a relationship are they in the market place? Sorry dear reader, this i-too-know person in italics is always asking stupid question so we’ll have to answer her – Here’s the deal, a man is the one that decides which woman he wants to date – women shouldn’t have any say in the matter because ‘husband is scarce’ and you should ‘count yourself lucky’ when a man is toasting you, haba don’t you want to get married ni? What if he’s not your type? Console yourself on nights that you’re miserable that this man has CHOSEN you (lucky you!) – back to transactions – so after being chosen, the man would now have to carry all your responsibilities – give you money to cook, shop for clothes and shoes, money to pay your school fees, buy credit to recharge your phones – in fact make this man your god and ‘submit’ yourself to any shit he dishes out to you. Because in exchange for the money he’s giving you, you’re giving him attention, affection and faking your orgasms for him (you deserve an Oscar babe, just that you’re not white…) Should you get a job? Get a life? Be financially independent? Achieve something other than getting married? Hell no! Please just be chasing that ring upandan because that’s all you need to do with your life my sister. How much should a man give you? Everything, a million naira should do for starters and then as the relationship proceeds it should go up to 10million naira per month! Please don’t settle for a kobo less – by the way he should be allowed to haggle over the price, we all know how these things work nah.
  4. All Men are Gentlemen – Gentlemen are supermen. A gentleman will stand up and give you his seat, just like that, he will open doors for you, fiam. He will offer you free rides everywhere. A gentleman needs to do all these things because we know that women can’t open doors by themselves, their legs are paining them so they can’t stand up in a roomful of people for more than two seconds, they cannot buy cars for themselves so they need that free ride (even if they can afford to buy cars women shouldn’t buy one because ees not good, they should wait for their husband to buy them car!) Somebody who treats you like a human being is Not a gentleman, he or she will leave their seats, open doors, and even offer to help you carry your heavy loads not because you’re of a ‘certain sex’ or because that sex has automatically bestowed ‘weakness’ on you. They do it because they are kind. These people offer you opportunities, they don’t talk down at you, but they won’t kiss your hands (or your ass – except during certain consented to activities).

With the four points above, we hope we’ve been able to help you pinpoint the exact stereotype you should buy into and use for all occasions. Your life will never remain the same again…

 

How to Identify Witches

How to Identify Witches

Witches are the bane of our lives in Nigeria, and that’s a fact! After spending years avoiding them by not going to the village or having anything to do with our illiterate relatives (because those people are prone to witchcraft), it appears that these people simply refuse to leave us alone! They’ve moved their ministry to towns and cities all across the country. The end-of-the-world is truly nigh! In fact Jesus should just come now!

As if we don’t have enough to deal with, everything is going to hell in a hand-basket! There are the feminists, the gays, the Illuminatis and all sorts that we have to battle with on cyberspace, now the witches are trying to take over!

Don’t get us wrong, we know that witches don’t really exist, it’s just that they do! They eat pregnancies, kill children, steal destinies, make people’s private parts disappear and sometimes make announcements in the newspapers concerning political parties!

Witches have taken over *insert hysteria*!

We at 9jafeminista, your ever-so-helpful-blogzine, have taken it upon ourselves, at the risk of losing our vaginas, penises, boobs and destinies,  to help you identify all the witches that might have moved into your neighbourhood, churches, offices or (horror!) homes. These helpful tips might be the saviour of your destiny, and maybe some money because you won’t have to take these people to spiritual leaders (who might charge you an arm and a leg because money is the vehicle of the ‘good news’ or is it that money is the root of all evil? But we won’t worry about those distinctions now)

The steps:

Skin tone: the first thing you have to do when meeting new people is to gauge their skin tones. As we all know black is the colour of evil, so how many shades of black is this black person you’re meeting? Is it warm brown? Dirty brown? Black-black? Dirty black? Blue-black? Night black? B-b-b-b-b-black!? The darker the skin tone of a person, the more likely they are to be witches. There are some yellow witches too but those ones are related to Mammy-Wata, so we won’t bother with those just yet. On the other hand, too much of a good thing is bad. So, those extremely yellow persons, who look as if they are newly ripened mangos, might just be witches!

Age- this is another telling indicator of witchcraft. Really old people are witches! Honestly! Look at it this way, Nigeria is the worst country in the world to grow to a ripe old age! Studies have it that the life expectation of an average Nigerian is forty years. What with the bad roads, terrible to non-existent health-care facilities, lassa fever, etcetera, forty years is even too long! So why would anyone dare to live for more than 60years and then get wrinkled and stooped, and black and talking to themselves and confessing to witchcraft… in saner climes some of these old people would have even been diagnosed with dementia, or Alzheimer’s, or depression, but luckily we are Nigerians and sanity is not our strong suit. All old people, including your granny, are witches! Avoid them at all costs! Encourage your children NOT to visit their grannies, aka your parents, because ALL OLD PEOPLE ARE WITCHES!

… Wait a second, young people are witches too! Yes we said it! Especially those ill-educated young girls from the villages. They usually come to town with all their earthly goods in a black polythene bag, most of the stuff in the bags are rags sef, in fact they wear rags all the time! We’ve heard of a young village girl whose clothes would turn to a rag as soon as she wears them, yup, like reverse Cinderella! These girls are about seven or eight years old and they’ve never been to school before in their lives! And their parents have sold them to be given out as housemaids! And they are poor because of the state of the economy and their parents can barely afford to feed them. These young witches are wicked! They don’t even take their baths even after being brought to the city! They are not to be trusted with babies! We all know there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with employing a six or seven year old as a housemaid, especially to take care of 3month old babies. There is NOTHING wrong with waking these children up at 5am to take care of our ajebutter children who can barely lift a finger! Please, please, as soon as you employ any of these children… better still don’t!

Sex – not that type you perv! We mean the sex assigned to you as soon as the doctor pulls you out of your mother’s womb and either spots a penis or a vagina. Sex is a huge determinant of whether you’re a witch or not, because, this might come as a shock to you, so brace yourself… women are witches! Yup! How many men have been accused of witchcraft and stoned to death? While you’re counting let’s just tell you something, it’s only women that are witches, especially and particularly poor women, or single to stupor women, or women who do not meet up with the current societal standard of beauty, or women who have not taken refuge under the benevolent patriarchal arms and conformed to societal rules or women who have crossed eyes, or women who have beards or women whose mouth are too sharp, or women who don’t have children, or women who are really not womanly enough, but most importantly, they are poor women, disempowered women, women suffering from mental health problems, women who are not soft enough.

There are too many women out there who are witches and we need to strip them down (very important to humiliate them) and then stone them. We’ll need a lot of stones though because these women make up the larger part of the society. But we can do this! Stone every single one of them, one woman at a time! Are we misogynists? No we don’t hate women! We are Nigerians, and we love our women with big bum-bums and tits! It’s just that those women who have turned down our advances and women who think too highly of themselves and women who don’t have big yanshes are witches! Women who refuse to SUBMIT, should be stoned to death, all of them!

Defying Gravity: THIS RIGHT HERE IS THE GREATEST OF THEM ALL! Kai! How can a mere human being defy gravity! Defying gravity comes in different forms, from jumping all the time, to putting your legs on the wall when you’re asleep, to morphing into birds (big black birds particularly, don’t forget black is the colour of ugly and evil) and to levitating. Hian! We’ve all read or watched badly filmed shots of old black women morphing into birds and FLYING! We all know about planes and helicopters and other things that fly, although most of us don’t know how these things perform this feat but we climb into planes without giving it a second thought! But the moment we smell a human being flying we just KNOW that these people are witches! Especially and particularly if they are dark skinned and are women. Flying is a sin! Are we sinners when we fly in an airplane? No! Should we be stoned to death? No! but the moment we hear that a non-oyinbo person is flying or has flown we congregate and stone the person to death because those people are witches! We do enjoy watching movies about monsters and vampires and human beings morphing into animals, well as long as they are Hollywood movies, those Nollywood people know how to treat such sin! Anybody who can fly in say, England or America would obviously be taken an interest in by the government and scientifically analysed, their methodology thoroughly studied. In Nigeria we stone them to death because we do not tolerate such nonsense! We like ourselves the way we are, our Ministry of ‘Science and Technology’ will soon be inventing pencils… you heard me right! We are just in the nick of time because pencils are yet to be invented. We are not backwards, we are forwards, we are brilliantly, shamelessly, and insanely fearful of anything that’s in the least different! Let fear continue to dodge our footsteps, let it rule us, let fear eat us from the insides out, that’s the way we’ve survived all these years by fearing even our shadows.

We hope these helpful tips will continue to guide and guard us throughout our lives, we shall continually tell our children and ourselves not to read books by Nigerians or other Africans about fantasy, although they can read ‘furreign’ books so they can acquire ‘furrigne’ accents and speak through their nostrils, ‘nspirin nspirin’. Do NOT let us progress beyond an economy of consumerism, do not let us invent anything new. Let our young women and men ‘disrupt’ how we import shit from other countries, while those other countries invent new things.

Finally, if all else fails we advise you to do The Mirror Test

The Mirror Test: This test has been passed down from one generation of witch-hunters to the next, the steps are very simple:-

  1. Clean your mirror with soft cloth and white powder. Make sure it is sparkling.
  2. Cover the mirror at 12midnight with a white cloth. Note that the mirror must be COMPLETELY COVERED.
  3. Have a good night’s rest knowing that the witches haunting you shall be revealed soon
  4. After 24hrs (i.e. 12 midnight the following day)
  5. Take off all your clothes, including your underwear
  6. Stand in front of the covered mirror
  7. Close your eyes
  8. Shout ‘Yeepa!’ Thrice
  9. Pull off the mirror covering
  10. The person you’re seeing in that mirror? That’s the witch eating your destiny!

Wait… can any of you explain how the internet works?