Bisi’s Wedding Diaries

5 October at 07:50 

As today marks exactly 30 days to my wedding, I will be doing 30 things to be grateful for. Today, I am grateful for #airport. I never thought in my life I would spend so much time at airports, neither did I know that the world will be my oyster. Coming from #Mushin, we were made to know that people like us can only dream. I am happy that like the dream of getting married, airport has given my dream of world domination wings to fly. #gaymarriage#30daysofthankfulness

6 October at 11:57 

Day 2 of 30 days to my wedding of 30 things to be grateful of. On the 6th October 2004, I sat on that sofa with Funmi Iyanda and I came out. She gave me the opportunity in no patronizing nor condescending way to tell my story. On that day I learnt the power of truth and authenticity. I learnt that life is what you make of it. I was a 29years old boy, just graduating from university with a prominent role in ‘Roses and Thorns’ a soap series on Galaxy Television. I lost everything after coming, but I gained today. Life was preparing for a journey beyond my expectations. In 29 days, I will say I do to a man I have come to find solace in his arms. #gaymarriage#30daysofthankfulness #newdawnwithfunmiiyanda #comingout#lgbtcomingout #authenticity #ido

7 October at 08:42 ·

Day 3 of 30 days of thankfulness of 30 days to my wedding. In 2014, around about this time, a friend sent me an email to a link to a fellowship program. I have applied for a couple before then and I have always been rejected. So when he sent me the form, I looked over it and ignored it. It will be another rejection. Two weeks later, my agent called me and said she saw a fellowship that she thinks will be great for me, it was the same fellowship. I told her I am not interested. She pushed me and I told her they will not pick me as I am not good enough. The following week, I was at Funmi Iyanda’s and she told me about the same fellowship and she was like ‘I am also a fellow of similar program with same organisation, I can nominate you’. She made me see why I should at least try.
So I went home and spent the night filling the form. I sent it to my agent who read it and made some corrections and add more information. She was angry that my low self esteem has made me leave out very important information. We sent the form and waited. A big part of me was waiting but the doubting part of me just kept telling me, get in with life. Few months later, I was in Berlin with my agent when the email came. I couldn’t open it. I thought it was rejection, but she did and screamed for job. I have been shortlisted. I was not happy, i felt it was just prolonging my rejection. Few weeks later, I did a Skype interview with the team in DC and few weeks later I received another email. I have been selected.
I became a fellow of @aspeninstitute and #aspennewvoices. It was a journey that changed my life. I started having platforms I never thought of in my life. I started having access to people that will look at me and instantly believe in me and want to help me make that dream come true. Through the fellowship, I was trained by @mothstories and then I did #tedxberlin and I have travelled around the world. I have written a lot of articles and became friends with @caitlynjenner and many more.

It feels so surreal when I think about it. It is this reason that today, on my 3rd day of thanksfulness, I want to thank the team at Aspen New Voices and my fellow fellows for believing in me.

10 October at 10:34 ·  

Day 6 of 30 days to my wedding of 30 things to be grateful for. Today I want to be thankful for my childhood. Many times we concentrate on the now and forgetting the journey it took to get to now. The laughter, the joy, the pains and the tears. My childhood was not perfect and I am happy it was not, but it was a journey I am proud of. I carry my joy and pains on the sleeves but most importantly, my childhood taught me what matters in the world. The essence of compassion, love and empathy. I learnt that sitting on the fence was not a neutral act. That silence is not golden. That boy can not and should not always be boys at the expense of girls. That I can play with dolls, pink dolls, pain my face and catwalk. Yes, sometimes I get beaten for it, but the hard headed boy I was, my passion and not the rejection was my childhood driver. As a loner, growing up in my head and in my world, I hardly make excuse for my action. I was thought to say sorry when wrong and never to say it unless I am sure I am wrong. I spent my childhood being a child and maybe that’s why, as a adult, I am still a child. Get angry like a child, smile like a child, think like a child, eat like one, sleep like one, and perform like one. I am Peter Pan but with the vision of an adult. Dear Ademola, Ojo, Kazeem, Iyanda Alimi, thanks for making the adult that is Adebisi Ademola Alimi. Next month I will marry my husband with the spirit of a child, will laugh with that spirit, enjoy the moment that my childhood has spent 41years preparing for my adulthood. In the presence of my friends, families and loved one, with shine on my face like a proud child, I will look into the eyes of my lover and say; I DO! #equalmarriage #samesexwedding#gaymarriage #ido #childhood #growingup

11 October at 11:55 · 

Day 7 of 30 to my wedding of 30 things to be grateful for. I want to celebrate everyone of you that has refused to turn a blind eye to bullying. Be it sexism, homophobia, racism, fatism, shortism and any other horrible isms out there that makes other look in the mirror and hate themselves. You bravely has given many people the courage to see another. You might not know this, but it is true. Every time to put a bully in their place and hug their victim, you have touched a life with love and compassion. Making life worthy is not in the amount of money you invest in it, but the amount of love. On social media a lot of people think it is their responsibility to invade other people’s space, call them names and tell them out to live their lives. I have been a victim of that. Many times I really would love to log off and delete my profile but gosh! You guys will not only stand up to these insecure people who wants to use other as a source of self confidence, but many of you will send messages and ring me. Today is to you. Thank you.
That is why I am begging you, that come the 20th of this month, join me and @glaad and other millions of people in the world as we say NO! to bullies. Turn your page purple in honour of people who lost their lives because of insecurities of others. You never know, you might just be saving the life of someone, destined to make the world a better place. Once again, to you all! Thank you #spiritday #spiritday2016 #ido #samesexwedding #gaymarriage#equalmarriage

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A brief Slut Shaming Dictionary aka Slut Shaming on Fleek

This article is dedicated to one thing and one thing only, arming you with words. Yes we can, arm you with words that should be used the next time you’re going on a slut shaming mission. We would be dismayed, if you start this very important activity that helps the patriarchy control women’s bodies without using the proper slangs and terms.

What else are we here for but to help you achieve your dreams of a world without equality, a world in which women are seen as objects (preferably sex objects). In this Utopia, men would be able to strip women that annoy them on the streets naked, without fear of reprisal. Teachers can sleep with as many of their underage students as it is possible, women with cups bigger than an ‘A’ cup size can be stared at and the state of their sexuality a topic for discussion and debate. Men will be able to grab the boobs of women they meet in the swimming pool. In this ideal world, women will be able to give excuses for the rape of other women… ooops… wait… we are living in this sexist utopia already!

But… we won’t let that stop us! Hell to the No! We will still go ahead and equip you with words that hurt, words that can maim, or kill… words that will continue to make this utopia of ours what it is today, a country without the basic amenities, but is obsessed with sex, money and religion (and not necessarily in that order).

Without any further ado, we introduce our dictionary of slut shaming.

Slut Shaming – stigmatizing a woman for having sex, or stigmatizing a woman on the suspicion that she’s having sex, or stigmatizing a woman on the suspicion that she might be planning to have sex… makes absolute sense don’t it?

Ashawo: If there’s any Nigerian dictionary, the word ‘Ashawo’ is the only one deserving of a whole page for itself, just that word, ‘ashawo’ written on a plain foolscap page… why you ask. Well this is simple, ashawo is one of the few (and we dare say the only) word understood across all languages, all ethnic boundaries. Ashawo is a prostitute, ashawo gives sex for money, ashawo sleeps around, her body count is almost as high as that of the Nigerian population.
Ashawo is to be pitied, only to be seen (by men) under the cover of darkness.

Ashawo is a slut.

Slut: is a term for a woman or girl who is considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous (Wikipedia)

Although men who are promiscuous are called ‘Community Penis’ note that being a community penis does not make you a slut, which is why another word had to be coined for them.

A community penis is a ‘man’, because part of hyper-masculinity is your ability to have as many sexual partners as possible.

Side-Chick – the other woman; also known as the mistress; a female that is neither a male’s wife or girlfriend who has relations with the male while he is in another relationship (Urban Dictionary).

Men are expected to cheat, women are not expected to cheat. In a heteronormal, hyper-religious and homophobic society like ours that operates a gender binary system, we wonder who men are supposed to cheat with… other men? Trans? Lesbians? Who?… but that is not why we are here…

The point is, a side-chick is a slut, an ashawo, who is giving sex away ‘free of charge’.

Transactional Sexual Relationships: We know you did not come here to read big-big grammar… who grammar don epp? But there are times that you need to sound like a Patrick Obahiagbon in order to get your point across. If you can throw this sentence into a conversation surrounding slut-shaming, we assure you that will be the end of that matter!

So what are transactional sexual relatitonships?

Transactional sexual relationship is closely linked to socio-cultural expectations of gender whereby a man is expected to act as a provider to their partners and women expect a compensation for ‘giving’ sex. This results in implicit assumptions of exchange, whereby for example a man might buy a woman a drink and her acceptance implies a willingness to have sex.(Wikipedia)

In proper Nigerian English, what this means is that a man is expected to be the ‘provider’ of money and penis, and in exchange a woman is expected to ‘give’ sex and often times, these days, domesticity.

Body Count – also known as ‘how many men have you slept with?’ Having a body-count of more than half, qualifies you for sluthood… period!

With these few, but very important words, we encourage you to go into the world and put women to task.

A girl is unreachable because she’s classy, she has a job and doesn’t want to date a jobless, uncivilized slob? Call her a slut.

A girl turns down your proposal for friendship because she’s noticed that you’re borderline sociopath? Call her a slut.

A girl breaks up with you? Call her a slut.

You rape a girl and she reports you to the police? Call her a slut.

You blackmail a vulnerable girl into having an affair with you and then she calls it off? Call her a slut.

A girl refuses to sleep with you because you’re suffering from hyper-masculinity and have violent tendencies? Call her a slut.

A girl refuses to wash your underpants because she’s not your domestic help and breaks up her friendship with you? Call her a slut.

Slut shaming covers a multitude of sins…

Are we saying that you’re a sinner? Oh no we wouldn’t dare say that…

Do we dare call you a misogynist, self-hating, uncivilized pig?
Oh no, we are not that nasty… are we?

Liberty is a many-colour-coat made of Rags

 
Coming out of my closet, I carry my heart about
           like cufflinks.
It is my way of being transparent- that is coming out wearing
                 my heart 
on the cuffs of
                 my sleeve.
It is my way off attracting like-minds.
I find my kind of people everywhere I go
                             or
any closet I snoop in. 

It will amaze you …the number
The caliber of people
hiding away in their closets,
coiled up upon themselves,
trying to get smaller and smaller,
                    or
just hoping to vaporize.

I am not one of them,
I come out all the time,
even though I am timid 
For self-validation,
I like to look in on them-
those still hiding away
                                    in their closets-

Amongst this run of
                  Homo
                          Sapiens,
hiding away their
sexuality
in the Closet of
                        Marriage
are the most gifted beings-
humans
and
            women.

And many they are that will never come out of those
                   dark places
to get some air in the sunlight. They dread to be
                gay,
to be outspoken
You know like the
                             feminists
 
I was one time peeking into such
dark
      dreary
              airless
                      gloomy
closet,
and I found a feminist
          housewife
                   mother
a one who really could use the
                   liberty
of getting some
fresh air and sunshine

“so, what are you still doing in there”,
            I probed. 

“I went in
             for the feminist rants,
  and stayed in
             for the kids.”
she replied. 

I knew she isn’t coming out
of that
          closet
anytime soon;

so the answer
            to the question of
“why don’t you come out from that hole already”
was out of the
                    question.  

Great many
        are they
              who are like
I am- timid about coming out
and walking in the
              gaylight,

but
if liberty
is a
Many-Colour-Coat made from rags,
I still will wear mine
and strut about in it
– even if I only do that
        in
          my
             closet.

Christopher Raphael Okiri

For women who walk on the dark-side

This is for you… Yes you on those high, high heels. Your bright red lipstick, your body fitting clothes showing plump backsides, bouncy breasts, you’re enough your dreams are valid
For you trawling the streets of Ayilara, Ikeja, Mokola, Agbani Market in the dead of night,  turning tricks… You are human, your dreams are valid
This is for you on Teevee, twerking to the beats of violence, your Brazilian weaves, 12inches of lashes of nails, you’re enough, your dreams are valid
This is for you, yes you of the dark desires, BDSM, fantasies, role plays, you that like them plenty, like them rough, like them period. You’re human you’re real, your dreams are valid
This for you that don’t fit in, you don’t like sex, you don’t like kisses, orgasm is just not your thing,  you’re enough your dreams are valid
This is for you who loves other women, you like them wild you like them pretty you love to wipe their lipsticks off with tender kisses, you’re human, your dreams are valid
This is for you my beauty queen,  named as one sex but you know it’s not true, toss your weaves my wo-man my pretty you’re human your dreams are valid
This is for you my warrior princess your kombat boots, your low cut hair, your swagger, bow-tie, skinny jeans,  you’re human your dreams are valid
This is for all my girls that walk on the dark side, the edgy, the non-conformists, the girls wearing tats, piercings, nose rings…
you’re enough your dreams are valid…

– Ayodele Olofintuade

…You sometimes feel like a sea shell…

As a girl you sometimes feel like a sea shell – beautiful, intricate, thrown up from the underbelly of nature, but belonging to the world. Neighbours, friends, strangers, and family members. Unfortunately, in no way akin to beautiful sea shells, your breasts and vagina are sources of electric conversation and unintelligent analyses for people who have neither seen nor touched them.
.
You almost want to apologize for having breasts and a vagina. Maybe your mother will stop being so angry with you over nothing – as she seems to have been since your menstrual cycle made an appearance. Perhaps your father will smile at you a little more and not get grumpy when you receive innocent phone calls on your mobile.

“Is it not ordinary breast and vagina? What is all this?”

It is not ‘ordinary breast and vagina’, my friend. Were you not told that your vagina is a burden you carry, a red gash – an inflammation you must be careful not to trigger? When your breasts start growing, you are in double trouble. They must never quiver, they must be caged by tight bras otherwise you are calling attention to yourself and “anything wey your eye see make you use your head carry am”.
.
For many girl children, sex is not something you ‘own’. If you experiment at sixteen with a boy of sixteen, you are automatically the slut and he is the adventurer. Sex is just not something the world permits you to be associated with, AT ALL. If you want it, you are a ‘dog’. Your body’s biology becomes a problem. You cannot swing your hips, it means you want to be fucked. You cannot prettify your face, it means you want to be fucked. Your hormones are doing what Mother Nature requires them to do and your unconscious acquiescence means you want to be fucked, maybe by one man, maybe by two, or maybe gang-bangs are your thing?

And so what if you actually do want sex as a teenager? Teenagers want sex, dammit! It is a natural desire and it is not wrong, neither is it your fault. What you do with it is what counts and that’s where sex-education is supposed to come in. Unfortunately many parents fail at it, especially with their female children.

It is just really painful how being a girl, you as a sexual being are repressed. Your desires are required to be bound tightly with strong rope and carted into the bin of denial. In exchange you are bestowed with the burden of ducking sex. In other words, as a girl child one of the reasons you are alive is to prevent yourself from being fucked, literally and metaphorically. Never mind the perpetrators – it’s all on you.

If sex ‘happens to you’ without your permission, it is your fault. You wanted it, you Jezebel, and you made sure you got it, now you say you’ve been raped. Even toddlers have been blamed for their own rapes. You enticed your father. Your uncle could not resist your swinging hips that have only been weaned from diapers six months ago. Your neighbor’s penis got swollen and hard when he saw your lips sucking on your pacifier. Throw away your pacifier! You are seducing your uncle!

Nkiru Njoku

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Fuckboys: Editorial

Fuckboys are a special breed. These set of people have one mind, one hope, one future. They have truly transcended the barriers usually imposed by class, gender, race, sexuality, religion and marital status. And we at 9jafeminista have this to say – ‘fuckboys of the world unite!’

We have noticed, however, that some people are doing it all wrong, they have aspirations to join the Fuckboy Club but they are struggling, and people, the struggle is real.

Luckily for you, we at 9jafeminista have spent years observing and studying these special set of human beings and have been able to come up with seven simple habits that will take you into the Kingdom (yes it’s a male dominated thing) of fuckboyism.

  1. Group think: Fuckboys do not have one original idea in their heads, anybody who thinks outside of this rarefied group will have a lot of problems fitting in and might suffer from a social disorder called ‘relational aggression’ the result of which is ostracism and heaven forbid you be ostracized or have to stand out or be considered different. You have to monitor trending topics and contribute accordingly. Fitting in has never been so easy, all you need is a phone and internet connectivity then support the most popular opinions.
  2. Bling: It is important that you dress the part. Successful fuckboys worldwide are known to wear designer clothes and accessories. You need to let people know that these items are high end stuff. You need an Instagram account to post your many pictures of clothes, accessories and their labels MUST SHOW. Fortunately you don’t need to be too rich to wear all these things, Aba boys and the Chinese have made these things dirt cheap. The logo of your designer must be displayed in a very obvious position.
  3. Religion: To be a fuckboy you need to belong to one of the many religions, but if you’re a Nigerian, you need to be either a Christian or a Muslim. Do not join groups like the Hare Krishna or claim you’re a Buddhist. You don’t need to go deep into these religions or read their many books. The point is to be able to refer to a bible or Quran passage to back up some of the ignorant things you say.
  4. Sexism: Highly successful fuckboys are sexists and you need to get this shit right. You have to say a lot of shit like ‘women are the weaker vessel’, ‘men should provide for their families’, ‘unmarried single ladies of a certain age are sluts’, ‘feminists are men hating, bitter, forever single women who have failed at marriage’. Not only do you have to say these things you need to actually believe they are true. And they are Universal Truths, according to fuckboys. Everybody knows that women are the worst drivers in the world and real men don’t cry. Women are irrational creatures, real men don’t wear pink. Refer to point no 1 above if you’re in doubt, group think is the ish.
  5. Homophobia: Another important aspect of being a fuckboy is homophobia. You need to have an irrational hatred of all lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans people. You need to ignore the fact that your uncle, dad, mum, sister, brother, friend, cousin or even you belong to this group (although they try hard to hide it). You need to believe that all queer people wear baby pampers and are out to ‘recruit’ you. Whenever you’re out drinking with your friends or exchanging bants with them online, always make sure you drop words like, ‘pink is such a gay colour, I will never wear pink.’
  6. Trolling: Get your troll game on. You need to perfect this game. Anybody who disagrees with you or troll fuckboy cabal must feel the wrath of the gods. You can learn trolling by simply retweeting other fuckboy cabal members, then you up your game by responding to people you disagree with (mostly women and feminists – either male or female). And the final step is by starting a troll game ALL BY YOURSELF. While trolling you can cast doubt on the ‘masculinity’, ‘marriageability’ and ‘richness’ of your victim. Make references to the body parts of your victim eg ‘see your droopy breasts’, ‘your yansh is too flat for the big grammar you’re speaking’, ‘carry your pimply face off my tl’ etc. You must be vicious, no prisoners taken. Use sentences like ‘anti go and marry’, ‘you’re nothing but a hoe’, ‘your body count must be over a million by now’. When people talk about rape take it personal and call them liars, ask them what they were wearing when they got raped, talk about the time a girl or a boy came to your house at 9pm and refused to give you ‘show’.
  7. DM Sliding: Follow a lot of girls and women, especially the type you know can never give you the time of the day, slide into their DM’s or inboxes. Make your opening words very attractive, you can start with stuff like ‘Hey beautiful, who’s preeking you?’ or send dick pics, if the girl refuses to reply to your dm, kindly go and insult her very well so that she will know that you’re not to be trifled with. You can also do this in real life by catcalling ‘fine girls’ and when they ignore you yell insults at them, take particular care to talk about how they are dressed like ‘prostitutes’ and how they are ugly, also tell them that they will never find ‘husband’ because they will never find someone like you.

This list is in no way exhaustive, there’s the fact that fuckboys believe marriage is the only reason women were placed on earth, that women must have children because that’s the whole essence of their being. Support the ‘pro-life’ movement. Make stupid comments on how women should behave, dress, be…

We wish you luck in your bid to be the best fuckboy ever!

PAMELA ADIE: LGBT RIGHTS ADVOCATE, FEMINIST, QUEER

9jafeminista: Did you ever feel different while growing up?

Pamela Adie: Different. That’s a word I was very afraid of while growing up. I never felt different per se. In my head I believed I was “normal” like everyone else. Growing up was enjoyable. I was allowed to be a kid and I was a kid. I played outside a lot, ate a lot of food, played with my siblings, had lots of toys, a loving family, hated school (LOL) and loved riding bicycles and crashing toy cars… So, my growing up years were lots of fun.

9jafeminista: Why were you afraid of that word? Different that is…

Pamela Adie: I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be like every other girl. Society indirectly prescribes ways in which females should behave and as children we never question that. We just do as we see and as we are told. So, to be different was scary. I mean, who will be friends with the girl who is different? Since I wanted lots of friends, different was scary.

9jafeminista: Would you say you’re still afraid of being seen as different now?

pamelaPamela Adie: No, I’m over that now. Sometimes I think I am different personified. Everything about my appearance screams different. For starters I have Locs and that sets me apart already because many Nigerian women have long weaves or braids. Very few of us carry locs. Right now, I enjoy the fact that I walk into a room and everyone can see that I’m different. I stand out. It’s a lovely feeling! Sometimes, poeple see different as bad. Different is not neccessarily bad – it’s just different, and that can be a good thing.

9jafeminista: Would you say this feeling of being different has influenced your career choice/path?

Pamela Adie: Not so much my career choice, but certainly influenced my passion – advocating for equals right for the LGBT community and women. These two groups that are very marginalized, but my LGBT brothers and sisters are often discriminated against because they are different. This is a great injustice. Treating people differently because they are different is very dangerous and that fuels my passion.

9jafeminista: As a Nigerian and a queer woman what do you think of the narratives around sex and women in our part of the world?

Pamela Adie: Africans in general, and most particularly women, are taught not to talk about sex, not to be sexual or express our sexual desires. This is a taboo topic ingrained in our minds, right from when we’re children. I believe suppressing sexual desires or not talking about sex is harmful to everyone, and women in particular. Some women go through life having never experienced an orgasm because they cannot tell their partners what pleases them or where they would like to be touched. As a queer woman, it is more difficult to talk about sex.

It’s already considered a taboo to be queer, and sexual orientation is generally a sensitive topic. However, we find that narratives around sexual orientation are mostly portrayed in a negative light. I have always believed that if I do not like the story, I can change the narrative by contributing to it.

9jafeminista: In what ways are you doing contributing to these conversations?

Pamela Adie: Well, I recently started a blog, www.dizzlesbay.blogspot.com, where I tell personal stories about my struggle with my sexuality and how I got to the point of self-acceptance. I feel it is important for queer people in Nigeria to hear these stories because it gives hope. Most importantly, people need to know that they are not alone. I share my stories with the hope that others will be inspired to do the same. Together, we can create positive narratives around sex, sexuality, and women.

It is also important to expose the negative effects of homophobia and draw attention to how it affects everyone, not just queer women.

9jafeminista: What do you think of the impact feminism has had in Nigeria? Would you say we’ve made a lot of headway just are things still the same?

Pamela Adie: I believe even an inch progress is progress nonetheless. For starters, we are at point where we can have a discussion about feminism. That in itself is a positive thing and the conversation should be continued. I have had interactions with many people and when the issue of feminism came up I discovered that a lot are ignorant about what feminism is about. A lot of people think that feminism is only supported by lesbians or women who can’t find husbands and what not. I try to bring them to the point where they understand that feminism is about men and women having equal access to economic, social opportunities. Then I see the ignorance begin to fade. So, while significant progress has been made in changing attitudes, I think a lot of work still needs to be done in education and enlightenment to bring about the change we desire.

9jafeminista: How did it feel acknowledging your preference for women and then having to come out to members of your family?

Pamela Adie: When referring to my sexuality, I don’t like the word “preference” because it seems to suggest there is a choice. But my sexual orientation is not a choice I made. That is just how I am. So, acknowledging my sexual orientation to myself was a very interesting experience, and you can read all about it on my blog. More than anything, I felt FREE! Many people do not realize that for queer people, we first have to come out to ourselves before we come out to anyone else. That process is empowering. I also describe how I came out to my family on my blog, but I can tell you that it was scary and unpredictable. I did not know what to expect. But it was very rewarding because it opened my eyes to things I did not know existed in my family.

9jafeminista: Thanks so much Pamela for taking us into your world. One final question, what are your sentiments about the Same Sex Marriage Prohibition Act(SSMPA) passed last year by former president Goodluck Jonathan?

Pamela Adie: The SSMPA is a discriminatory law, and serves no purpose whatsoever. It is the kind of law that discriminates against people simply because they are different, not because they harm anyone. Furthermore, it infringes on the rights of all Nigerians, not just LGBT Nigerians. It is a harmful law and it should be repealed.

Editorial: Are they lesbianing together? Or Identifying a gay woman in five easy steps or An Idiot’s Guide to Recognizing Lesbians or Gender Expression or As you Like it!

Sorry about the several titles of this piece, it was done this way because we understand Nigerians aversion to sarcasm, some people claim Nigerians do not understand sarcasm, but we beg to differ, we believe that Nigerians do understand sarcasm, they just prefer things to be explained PROPERLY to them. And that’s exactly what we have done with the titles EXPLAINED everything so you can be in no doubt of what this article is about.

Before we go totally off point, we wish to redirect you to the title, why would you be wasting your precious time here if not for the fact that you saw the word lesbian in the headline and you’ve always wondered what they do, who are these women? Are there women who actually prefer sleeping with other women when preeks abound? Or is lesbianism a myth, like … like dragons andexpression unicorns, and Kashamu and Mama P and Abacha and fuel scarcity … going off point again, sorry … we wish to reassure you that you should search no further, we shall address all your concerns and answer all your questions, and… deliver you from the spirit of ‘gbeborun’ aka minding other people’s business.

Internet Lesbians: WE ALL KNOW THESE WOMEN! They are all over the internet, Nigerian women o! Not oyinbo women! They are always talking about their love for other women! On twitter they are called Nigerian Association of Twitter Lesbians. We all know that these women are only pretending, because the only reason a person will claim to be a lesbian is so that they can attract attention, yes and the only people whose attentions are worth attracting … men! Don’t you see the sense in that? A woman would claim to love other women so she can get men’s attention … okay maybe it doesn’t make sense but hey we are Nigerians and we don’t need to think about things, we just KNOW these things. Just as we know that all of them are going to hell! Yes! Just go and check Leviticus, you will see there what the bible and Paul and a lot of other people say about lesbians! Have we been to hell before? No, but Jesus, okay not Jesus, our pastor told us that it is written in the bible that all the lesbians shall go to hell. The bible approves of slavery too and said we should not wear certain clothes and said a lot of things, but we sha know that they will all go to hell.

Feminists: Now we all know that Feminists are generally ugly women who cannot get men, even the fine ones amongst them can never find husband because their mouth is too sharp, always putting their mouth in things that don’t concine them so that they can ‘look’ intelligent, I wonder who they are trying to impress sef! Always screaming about the partriarchy, and glass ceilings, and violence against women and how the system has been set up to put women at a disadvantage, and education and equal rights and justice! Seriously, these women need to get preeks. Their problem is that because no man in his right mind would want to talk to, talk less of sleep with a woman who calls herself a feminist, what else can they do but help themselves? They all pretend to be lesbians because it is not good for feminists to like men. Feminists hate men. How do we know they are lesbians and they hate men? Because that’s what feminism means – women who hate men! What about men who claim to be feminists are they lesbians too? Yes! No! Emm … brb with the answer… we know the answer because we KNOW ALL THINGS THROUGH JESUS CHRIST THAT … emm, wait we’ll get back to you after asking our pastor.

Sluts aka Ashawo: Those ones, everybody knows that they are harlots (that word is in the bible and the Quran too), they will sleep with anything in trousers, even women who are wearing trousers. Their problem is that they are something called nymphomaniacs and those ones like sex too much. Nobody needs to tell you about sluts, you can see it, they are the kind of women who go around wearing clothes that reveal their breasts and yansh. They will be walking up and down the road, looking one kind at all the men, calling them with ‘come and do’ eyes. So anytime there is no man on the road, they kuku go for women, they will sleep with anything and anybody. What about men who sleep around? It is the natural order of things, men are creatures of nature, and nature says that a man has to sleep around, they just can’t help it. Men are different from women, so women should not be going around claiming rights and saying things like what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Those ones will now not find husband and then they will be going up and down different churches, going for deliverance. But are they really lesbians? No, they are just … umm … sluts, there are no real lesbians, just unicorns, and dragons, and Ojuju Calabar and witches in the village and Obasanjo and Goodluck!

Women who go to joints – let’s just be clear about one thing, it’s not that all women who go to drinking joints or like watching football are lesbians, it’s those ones that go without the sanity inspiring, big muscled, strong and intelligent men. You will always find them in bars, about three or four or more girls, seated at a table, drinking beer! The worst thing is that even if a man offers to buy them a drink they will turn it down and if any man wants to join them at a table, they will say no! It is a terrible thing these girls do all the time… what about men who go out in groups and drink at joints without female company, are they gay too? We don’t know o! But women who go out in groups must be lesbians, or feminists and as we all know ALL FEMINISTS ARE LESBIANS including men who are feminists … wait, that doesn’t even make any sense, but we’ve said it, because …we are Nigerians, so there!

Footballers: We are not talking about professional footballers here, we are talking about girls that look like boys, you know those girls we bully on the road by stopping them and asking if they are boys or girls … they sag their jeans, walk like men, wear baggy t-shirts, face-caps and all… they must be lesbians! And because we know that a REAL man will never want to date someone that looks like him, they will have no toasters, and then they will have no choice but to call themselves lesbians! There is something called testosterone that is found to varying degrees in both men and women, just like there is something called estrogen found to varying degrees in both male and female, these hormones determine, to a large extent, how we express ourselves as human and sexual beings, but don’t worry your head about big-big grammar, I mean what’s so important about all those things? What matters the most is that men are men, women are women and we have the right to determine who is male or female … by the way they are dressed, like the bible says, by their dressing you shall know them … we are not so sure the bible said that o, but then we have heard it said before or why else would we go about judging people because of the way they are dressed, like a pastor once said, the way you dress is the way you’ll be addressed! So if you dress like a boy, you will be addressed like a boy or something of that nature sha!

With the above we hope we’ve been able to satisfy your curiousity and put all your questions to rest, you can now go around judging and labeling people even better than you used to do before, because everything you read on the internet is true and what other people do in their bedrooms is very important to you, maybe this knowledge will even help you to get the miracle you’ve been seeking all these years! Especially the miracle of money dropping on your head, the miracle of the kind of money you didn’t work for. And then you will go to heaven … didn’t Jesus say something like ‘thou shalt not judge so that thou shalt not be judged’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself’? We can’t say for sure because our pastor does not read that part of the bible often, but we will go and ask him.

My Celibacy: My Choice – Enajite Efemuaye

For an independent, single lady in my late twenties, there seems to be a acceptance that I have a license to have sex at will and if I’m not having sex it’s because some man hurt me and I was paying back all of ‘man’ kind. I remember being in school and someone told me, “it’s because you’re staying with your brother. As soon as he graduates, you will cut chain.”

It made me wonder where this idea that a single woman who is not married, and is living by herself is promiscuous, more so when she professes an acceptance and understanding of her sexuality.

So, I’ve been made to understand that when a female child is born, it is the duty of her parents to shield and protect her until it is time to hand her over to her husband who will continue to shield and protect her until she dies; or if he dies first, her children take over the duty. Summary, a woman cannot take care of herself, if she is left alone she will start doing bad bad things, like have sex up and down. Yes, people still think like that in 2015.

“Haba, but you help yourself, right?”

“What do you mean by helping myself?”

“You know na. You’re a big girl na. You know what I’m talking about.”

*blank stare*

Just for the record, I had no idea what he was talking about.

I took a decision not to have sex until marriage when I was barely a teen and didn’t understand how difficult it would get. And boy did it get hard. The pressure is intense not just from without, but from within, especially when you’re with someone you really like and who know all the right mental buttons to press. But, I digress. This is about people’s reactions when you tell them you’re celibate.

“Your thing will tighten so much that when you decide to do, it will be very painful.’

(A lot of people seem to think being celibate means I cannot bear to hear the words vagina, penis, sex and orgasm). I’m nice, so I take my time with the help of images from google to explain why this is false.

“It is because you have not met the right man yet. If you let me, I’ll take you to heaven and back. I’ll show you so much pleasure you’ll . . .  yada, yada, yada.”

This one is particularly funny, because guys like this most times have no idea what to do with a woman. They follow the FORMULA: lips, breast, vagina, pound. Women that own these men, please stop deceiving them. Thank you.

“Really? Are you sure? Wow. Keep it up, sister.” Yep. Even from the brethren. While they’re not trying to get into your pants, there’s still this slight disbelief because it seems prayers is no barrier against konji.

“Babe! Men will value you, ehn! As you’re not giving it to them they’ll be showering you with gifts just because they want it.” Can someone please point me in the direction of these men because I haven’t met any?

I don’t go around telling people I’m celibate, but we’re so obsessed with sex in this generation that the topic almost always comes up.

There’s an almost proprietory air around most people when they are discussing other people’s sexual lives, who is sleeping with who, why, how? It is sickening and highly disturbing.

When I say my body is mine and I have a right to do with it as I please, this also includes not doing. I don’t believe sex is empowering or diminishing. I’m not a better person because I’m having or not having sex. I’m not less of a woman because I don’t use my being single and independent to ‘catch fun.’

I am just me.

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