9jafeminista asked me to put down my thoughts on DV. For the uninitiated, that’s domestic violence. She said 300-400 words. That was a week ago. Since then, I’ve written quite a number of articles, but, all in my head. On paper, I managed three puny paragraphs. On evaluation, I found I had written each of those three paragraphs in a different colour (significant?).
They (the 3 paragraphs) did not say much for I was trying to be explicit about my experience in an illicit manner. Not because of fear. My considerations also do not include my abuser, if at all, merely in a roundabout fashion. No, he isn’t any part of my considerations which remain chiefly, my girls…plus the fact that the internet NEVER forgets.
He does show his hidden character… but you must know what to look for or you will miss it.
I am usually reticent, except when speaking privately, but he taught me that privacy belongs only to those who know they are being watched. If you ever forget, your privacy can be invaded for any reason, ranging from the pleasure he takes in snooping to gathering evidence to prove you are a slut.
He knew better than to abuse me physically so he played mind games. Only, I never knew the rules of this game.
Some days, yes was yes but while we played, yes may become a maybe or even no.
The emotional and psychological abuser may be worse than the one who physically abuses. The reason is that with physical abuse, people become aware of your suffering and may intervene and save you. No one, not even those who care about you can discern what you are passing through with emotional abuse.
Whoever dares to befriend you becomes the enemy or may be accused of being your lover. Depending on this one’s hook du jour, I was either a slut or incapable. Sometimes, you are both and the question becomes, ‘so why are you with her?’
To a certain extent, the one who abuses emotionally speaks the truth…his version of the truth. Constantly, the story evolves, gathering weight and colour as it travels. The intent is to malign, to curry favour and sympathy from the current listener.
I have been luckier than most. I grew wings, I chose life, I refused to be a victim but I ended up a statistic still, but I daresay, the good kind. One of the ones who walked away from all the crap and BS and currently choosing what life it is she desires to live.
My consideration also includes the legal, but has never been regret.
I am alone, maybe even lonely sometimes, but I am the one who chooses when those times are. Unlike with the abuser, who unable to deal with his personal failings and looks at me to find what will make him feel good. Who, upon seeing my awesomeness, goes ahead to try and belittle all he sees in me which highlights his shortcomings.
For that is the biggest problem with DV, it occurs when self evaluation reveals the midget that the perpetrator is.
Dr Adenike Olatunji-Akioye