The Bro Code

In the age-old fashion of aprokoism, we at 9jafeminista make it our job to offer unsolicited advice and help to our brothers and sisters on the internet. And as we have done a two-part article ’12 yards of wife material for Christmas’ (you can find them here – Part I and Part II) we thought it unfair not to provide a list for the Nigerian man seeking to become manlier than he already is.

We Nigerians understand how these things work, a man is a man, a woman is a woman. We know that human beings are NOT beautifully crafted, complex creatures, with varying emotions and needs. Men behave like men, women behave like women, c’est fini!

Boys play football, girls cook!

As soon as a girl is born, even when she’s a suckling child, all she thinks about is marriage. Boys on the other hand don’t like getting married so girls have to do EVERYTHING in their power not only to ‘catch’ a boy, she also has to do EVERYTHING in her power to stay married to that boy, even at the cost of her sanity or her life.

Although we have a lot of evidence that proves the above assumptions false, we still stick to our beliefs because hey, it’s our TRADITION. And as we all know, traditions are not concerned about facts, they are only interested in umm… traditions (that actually makes nil sense, but it is what it is).

Anyway, so there we were on the World Wide Web, doing our usual poke-nosing, and like superman, flying around, looking for some poor victim to rescue from trouble. And then we stumbled on THE LIST! A rather long tending to boring list, admittedly, but it’s the list all the same. That elusive bro-code, the one presented to men so they’ll be able to earn their ‘manhood’, and in the process lose their humanity. We are not claiming this list is the cause of the high rate of domestic violence, assaults and rapes committed against men and is silenced, neither are we saying that the result of this list is the high rate of domestic violence, assaults and rapes committed against women. Because then we’ll be saying that this list only makes us all victims, and we’ll never, ever, say something like that!

What we’ve done is pick out the best and most important points on the list, so we won’t bore you to death(as we nearly were) or give you conniption because of outrage.

  1. Bros don’t use umbrellas: we picked this point first because it is the most relevant and important part of the bro code, because seriously, why would a man who’s a real man use an UMBRELLA? We hope you understand being a man means you’re a machine… Robocop kinda thing. Is it raining and you need to go out urgently please, please, in order to please your next door neighbor, and all the people who don’t have enough trouble in their lives but to watch you, do not use an umbrella. Please let the rain beat you well-well, let it soak your nice clothes and socks. In fact catching pneumonia from walking in the rain is a proof of manliness. On the other hand, with this sun that behaves as if it’s about to melt the flesh off your bones, using an umbrella is a no-no. Let the sun beat you, let it give you a headache, because using an umbrella would lead to the immediate vaporization of your penis, and then what will you become? God forbid bad tin!
  2. A bro does not bitch! – are you depressed? Are you constantly thinking about the fact that you don’t have a job, and you’re still staying with your retired parents, whose benefits have not been paid in months? Are you sick? Broke? Suicidal? Please do NOT tell anyone this, don’t unburden your soul to anybody. Is your wife beating you up? Please don’t complain, just be making jokes and pretending you’re alright because… you’re a bro! Bros don’t bitch! Bros don’t cry! They suffer in silence in order to look good to people who have nothing to offer in the way of support.
  3. Bros before hoes(a hoe is any woman that’s not your wife or member of your family)- this here is an amazing sontin! Gentlemen, it’s official, your female boss is a hoe, all your female lecturers are hoes, your female friends are hoes. Your best friend’s mom is a hoe, so is his grandmother and great-grandmother. The reason why we love this point is that it makes perfect sense! Is your female boss asking you to finish a project but at the same time your ‘bro’ is asking you to send an urgent text message to him? Please look at your boss in the eye and say (preferably in Ebonics) ‘Bros before hoes.’ Flash her the peace sign and watch your promotion in leaps and bounds.
  4. Bros do not make eye contact when in the urinal/if a bro strikes another bro on the crotch, both bros do not acknowledge it/bros do not do full body hugs – these points are the foundation of homophobia, but hey… as we have repeatedly said, this list is the ish. The three points above points at how men are NOT attracted to other men, only men are attracted to other men and they are afraid of being attracted to other men because men are only attracted to other men… oh wait, think we’re getting our wires crossed here…

Watch out for part 2!

Stereotyping Nigerian men: A guide to eating your cake and having it!

There seems to be a growing dilemma in the ranks of our educated multitudes. This question has been discussed intensely on social media for a long, long time and at the end of the day it always ends up in sorrow, tears … tearing of bras and payints. Insults have been hurled, memes trended, hashtags … hashtagged.

We sometimes have had to beg Master Jesus that these ‘interactions’ shouldn’t move beyond the confines of the internet, because it might lead to bloodshed… and we don’t want our nice Loubutins (oh wait we are trying to #buynaija now because exchange rate is high) strike that out, we don’t want our Made in Aba shoes blood-stained.

We know you know what this question of great economic and political significance is (and we are dead serious) but without intending to overstate the obvious (which we’ll now proceed to do) we will ask this question again (no it’s not what would Jesus do?) This deeply meaningful question is … how much should a boyfriend give his girlfriend to buy Brazilian hair monthly?

This oh-so-important question is based on the assumption that this so-called boyfriend has a job, and he earns above 20k per month. We are a little worried because would this question also apply to same-sex or queer couples in Nigeria? (Damn we forgot they are sinners and criminals) – strike the last question out.

Anyway, as your friendly neighbourhood aprokos aka people who don’t mind their darn businesses. We’ve come up with other stereotypes that will further enhance the present state of women in Nigerian society (beneath men, slightly less than human, the neck and not the head).

  1. Men don’t cry: We know this is the easiest and cheapest of all the stereotypes, but since we are in the business of overstating the obvious we thought it would be apt to say this one first. Have you ever seen a man crying before? Better still, have you ever seen your daddy or husband crying before? You have? Sorry to say this but, men do not cry, it is only women who cry. Women are emotional creatures (just like children – see what we did there?) they will be crying upandan, but men DO NOT CRY because they are not human beings, they are zombies, at the least, machines – at the best. They are just like that Robocop guy, shooting people dead, dry eyed, no emotions at all. Men don’t feel. They don’t feel joy or pain. If you stab a man the next thing is sand pouring on your body… stab, stab, stab, = sand, sand, sand. Men don’t cry, men don’t have stomachs, or blood or feelings – men are zombies. What about men who cry? Whaaat? Oh well – maybe you should check for a pulse, and we don’t advice that you stab those ones because they will definitely ooze blood. Men who cry might just be – wait for it – human! Are we saying that men who don’t cry are not human? Do the maths, we’ve said our own!
  2. All men are strong – since everything in our nice, patriarchal society is words and opposites when it comes to gender. Since we KNOW that there are only two genders – male and female – (who’s asking about intersex people? You’d better stopeet!) Anyway back to our point, if all men are strong does this mean all women are weak? Oh yes! It’s only men who have strong genes, yam like calves, arms bulging with muscles, so they’re the only ones that should be given the task of carrying heavy loads (All you know-it-alls should not come here and talk about old women who make their money from carrying loads in the market – tainks). So all men are strong. When a woman is carrying a load, the ‘normal’ thing for any man walking on the streets (it doesn’t matter whether you know this woman or not, or you’re not going in her direction or you don’t have the strength) when you see a woman carrying anything other than her handbag, it’s your duty to rush and quickly collect the load from her and carry it! Isn’t that what you were born to do? To carry load upandan. Women are such weak, pathetic creatures that they can’t carry anything, they are just like babies, they should be pampered… of course, being a superman, kindly reign in your macho-man instincts when you meet with strong women, who do not allow anything to limit them. Women who can handle their own shit, women who do not see themselves as babies are dangerous indeed. These are women who work on keeping fit, they jog, they play sports, they enjoy lifting things because it strengthens them most importantly they like being treated with respect and not like a baby.
  3. Men are providers – this point is actually answering our above question. How much should a man pay his girlfriend per month? Seriously how much? Since this is a transactional relationship. How did transaction enter into a relationship are they in the market place? Sorry dear reader, this i-too-know person in italics is always asking stupid question so we’ll have to answer her – Here’s the deal, a man is the one that decides which woman he wants to date – women shouldn’t have any say in the matter because ‘husband is scarce’ and you should ‘count yourself lucky’ when a man is toasting you, haba don’t you want to get married ni? What if he’s not your type? Console yourself on nights that you’re miserable that this man has CHOSEN you (lucky you!) – back to transactions – so after being chosen, the man would now have to carry all your responsibilities – give you money to cook, shop for clothes and shoes, money to pay your school fees, buy credit to recharge your phones – in fact make this man your god and ‘submit’ yourself to any shit he dishes out to you. Because in exchange for the money he’s giving you, you’re giving him attention, affection and faking your orgasms for him (you deserve an Oscar babe, just that you’re not white…) Should you get a job? Get a life? Be financially independent? Achieve something other than getting married? Hell no! Please just be chasing that ring upandan because that’s all you need to do with your life my sister. How much should a man give you? Everything, a million naira should do for starters and then as the relationship proceeds it should go up to 10million naira per month! Please don’t settle for a kobo less – by the way he should be allowed to haggle over the price, we all know how these things work nah.
  4. All Men are Gentlemen – Gentlemen are supermen. A gentleman will stand up and give you his seat, just like that, he will open doors for you, fiam. He will offer you free rides everywhere. A gentleman needs to do all these things because we know that women can’t open doors by themselves, their legs are paining them so they can’t stand up in a roomful of people for more than two seconds, they cannot buy cars for themselves so they need that free ride (even if they can afford to buy cars women shouldn’t buy one because ees not good, they should wait for their husband to buy them car!) Somebody who treats you like a human being is Not a gentleman, he or she will leave their seats, open doors, and even offer to help you carry your heavy loads not because you’re of a ‘certain sex’ or because that sex has automatically bestowed ‘weakness’ on you. They do it because they are kind. These people offer you opportunities, they don’t talk down at you, but they won’t kiss your hands (or your ass – except during certain consented to activities).

With the four points above, we hope we’ve been able to help you pinpoint the exact stereotype you should buy into and use for all occasions. Your life will never remain the same again…