Stereotyping Nigerian men: A guide to eating your cake and having it!

There seems to be a growing dilemma in the ranks of our educated multitudes. This question has been discussed intensely on social media for a long, long time and at the end of the day it always ends up in sorrow, tears … tearing of bras and payints. Insults have been hurled, memes trended, hashtags … hashtagged.

We sometimes have had to beg Master Jesus that these ‘interactions’ shouldn’t move beyond the confines of the internet, because it might lead to bloodshed… and we don’t want our nice Loubutins (oh wait we are trying to #buynaija now because exchange rate is high) strike that out, we don’t want our Made in Aba shoes blood-stained.

We know you know what this question of great economic and political significance is (and we are dead serious) but without intending to overstate the obvious (which we’ll now proceed to do) we will ask this question again (no it’s not what would Jesus do?) This deeply meaningful question is … how much should a boyfriend give his girlfriend to buy Brazilian hair monthly?

This oh-so-important question is based on the assumption that this so-called boyfriend has a job, and he earns above 20k per month. We are a little worried because would this question also apply to same-sex or queer couples in Nigeria? (Damn we forgot they are sinners and criminals) – strike the last question out.

Anyway, as your friendly neighbourhood aprokos aka people who don’t mind their darn businesses. We’ve come up with other stereotypes that will further enhance the present state of women in Nigerian society (beneath men, slightly less than human, the neck and not the head).

1. Men don’t cry: We know this is the easiest and cheapest of all the stereotypes, but since we are in the business of overstating the obvious we thought it would be apt to say this one first. Have you ever seen a man crying before? Better still, have you ever seen your daddy or husband crying before? You have? Sorry to say this but, men do not cry, it is only women who cry. Women are emotional creatures (just like children – see what we did there?) they will be crying upandan, but men DO NOT CRY because they are not human beings, they are zombies, at the least, machines – at the best. They are just like that Robocop guy, shooting people dead, dry eyed, no emotions at all. Men don’t feel. They don’t feel joy or pain. If you stab a man the next thing is sand pouring on your body… stab, stab, stab, = sand, sand, sand. Men don’t cry, men don’t have stomachs, or blood or feelings – men are zombies. What about men who cry? Whaaat? Oh well – maybe you should check for a pulse, and we don’t advice that you stab those ones because they will definitely ooze blood. Men who cry might just be – wait for it – human! Are we saying that men who don’t cry are not human? Do the maths, we’ve said our own!
2. All men are strong – since everything in our nice, patriarchal society is words and opposites when it comes to gender. Since we KNOW that there are only two genders – male and female – (who’s asking about intersex people? You’d better stopeet!) Anyway back to our point, if all men are strong does this mean all women are weak? Oh yes! It’s only men who have strong genes, yam like calves, arms bulging with muscles, so they’re the only ones that should be given the task of carrying heavy loads (All you know-it-alls should not come here and talk about old women who make their money from carrying loads in the market – tainks). So all men are strong. When a woman is carrying a load, the ‘normal’ thing for any man walking on the streets (it doesn’t matter whether you know this woman or not, or you’re not going in her direction or you don’t have the strength) when you see a woman carrying anything other than her handbag, it’s your duty to rush and quickly collect the load from her and carry it! Isn’t that what you were born to do? To carry load upandan. Women are such weak, pathetic creatures that they can’t carry anything, they are just like babies, they should be pampered… of course, being a superman, kindly reign in your macho-man instincts when you meet with strong women, who do not allow anything to limit them. Women who can handle their own shit, women who do not see themselves as babies are dangerous indeed. These are women who work on keeping fit, they jog, they play sports, they enjoy lifting things because it strengthens them most importantly they like being treated with respect and not like a baby.
3. Men are providers – this point is actually answering our above question. How much should a man pay his girlfriend per month? Seriously how much? Since this is a transactional relationship. How did transaction enter into a relationship are they in the market place? Sorry dear reader, this i-too-know person in italics is always asking stupid question so we’ll have to answer her – Here’s the deal, a man is the one that decides which woman he wants to date – women shouldn’t have any say in the matter because ‘husband is scarce’ and you should ‘count yourself lucky’ when a man is toasting you, haba don’t you want to get married ni? What if he’s not your type? Console yourself on nights that you’re miserable that this man has CHOSEN you (lucky you!) – back to transactions – so after being chosen, the man would now have to carry all your responsibilities – give you money to cook, shop for clothes and shoes, money to pay your school fees, buy credit to recharge your phones – in fact make this man your god and ‘submit’ yourself to any shit he dishes out to you. Because in exchange for the money he’s giving you, you’re giving him attention, affection and faking your orgasms for him (you deserve an Oscar babe, just that you’re not white…) Should you get a job? Get a life? Be financially independent? Achieve something other than getting married? Hell no! Please just be chasing that ring upandan because that’s all you need to do with your life my sister. How much should a man give you? Everything, a million naira should do for starters and then as the relationship proceeds it should go up to 10million naira per month! Please don’t settle for a kobo less – by the way he should be allowed to haggle over the price, we all know how these things work nah.
4. All Men are Gentlemen – Gentlemen are supermen. A gentleman will stand up and give you his seat, just like that, he will open doors for you, fiam. He will offer you free rides everywhere. A gentleman needs to do all these things because we know that women can’t open doors by themselves, their legs are paining them so they can’t stand up in a roomful of people for more than two seconds, they cannot buy cars for themselves so they need that free ride (even if they can afford to buy cars women shouldn’t buy one because ees not good, they should wait for their husband to buy them car!) Somebody who treats you like a human being is Not a gentleman, he or she will leave their seats, open doors, and even offer to help you carry your heavy loads not because you’re of a ‘certain sex’ or because that sex has automatically bestowed ‘weakness’ on you. They do it because they are kind. These people offer you opportunities, they don’t talk down at you, but they won’t kiss your hands (or your ass – except during certain consented to activities).

With the four points above, we hope we’ve been able to help you pinpoint the exact stereotype you should buy into and use for all occasions. Your life will never remain the same again…